I'm finding it hard to change.

Here's the beginning of my story, and how and why I'm here with you today.

I’m not a new writer.

For some reason, I’ve been stuck, though, between two professional poles. Most of my readers know me as the grief writer, the one who speaks and shares freely about what I’ve unveiled about experiencing human suffering and loss.

Grieving burned me out. It’s still an underpinning in my life, though. But I have known for over three years that I was meant to pivot to memoirist. At age 42, I know it’s time.

1. I have begun writing my first memoir.

As far back as I can recall, I never thought about babies or children. It never occurred to me that one day I might have kids. I didn’t want kids. Small children terrified me with their big displays of emotions and constant needs. I never babysat. I did not grow up around infants or toddlers.

Yet, here I am, a midlife mom of five incredible humans, ranging from age 12 to (barely) 3. My oldest three (all girls) are all confirmed neurodiverse, with the middle daughter’s primary diagnosis a rare genetic condition called Apert syndrome. (Think the book and movie Wonder. Sarah has a craniofacial anomaly.)

Everything I’ve ever read or learned about good practices for parenting has failed me. Miserably so. What I’m discovering is that parenting neurodiverse children is an entire uncharted universe, and I get a galaxy of my own.

None of this is what I wanted. But it’s what I have, and it is life.

My memoir will focus on how my identity has been shaped by becoming a mother, from the first stirrings of my heart to become one to the hole of infertility, miscarriage, and raising a medically complex child. Finally, I’ll share my two unexpected pregnancies (both boys) and the severe postpartum depression that resulted from them, including passive suicidality.

Maybe your life isn’t what you’d hoped or dreamed, either. I’m hoping we can navigate the questions that have no answers together.

2. I’d like to connect with readers and other writers.

As I mentioned in my title, I am averse to change. Always have been, since I was a child. The thing is, when several people independently of each other, mention A Thing to me as a suggestion, it may take me some time to be open to the idea. But eventually, I will consider it.

That’s how I ended up here, on Substack. I have used a different newsletter platform for almost ten years, and I don’t like learning new templates and platforms, because they are not intuitive to this young Gen Xer/oldish Millennial.

Because I live in a strange culture - a pocket of snobbery in an otherwise unpretentious Midwest region - I don’t have any friends who are also writers. I don’t have anyone in my immediate circle of closeknit family or friends who reads what I write, who is interested in literary things, who aspires to create something new or something hard from nothing - as I do.

So I need that community. I need to connect with you, whether you are a reader or a writer, or both. Maybe it just comes down to my belief that we all need each other.

3. I share short reflections two Fridays a month.

My ultimate goal is connection. I want you to feel connected to my work, and I want to deliver a message that challenges but also encourages you.

My strength in writing results from free association. What I tend to do is distill my unfiltered thoughts and emotions into the epiphany that seems universally resonant. Then, I share what I have learned from my life stories.

4. If you reach out to me, I will respond.

A lot of people send me emails and messages, in which they share their own stories and human struggles. Because I never want another person to feel as if they are unseen, unheard, or invalidated, I try my best to respond personally to you and to acknowledge the courage you exhibit when you entrust your heart with mine.

Here’s my family: my husband, Ben (holding Auggie, now 3); me; Felicity (12); Sarah (10); Joey (4); and Veronica (6). Photo taken at Salomon Farm Park in September 2022 by Joy Main.

5. If you like what you see, please share.

I am a firm believer that generosity begins with generativity. I try to pass on what I have learned and connect aspiring writers with the tools I have used to be successful.

But the greatest gifts you, as a reader, can give a writer are these: your reviews, your comments, your shares. Thank you for being here, for being you. I appreciate you.

---