"What broke me into pieces reshaped me into who I wanted to be, who I was meant to be."

I welcome guest author Grace Grossman for September's monthly feature.

Photo of Grace from 2020

I am honored to feature guest writer Grace Grossmann this month. Her story is raw and brave in so many ways, as she opens up about her psychotic episode and how she lost touch with reality and with herself—but also what brought her back to life in the simple loving hug from her dad.

Resilience, as you see, means many different things to different people, and to Grace it means redirection, reprioritizing, reclaiming her truest self. I know you will be warm and welcoming as you always are in the ways you support Grace in the comments.

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One month ago, my life turned upside down. I imagined a future with my partner and finally thought I had met “the one.” I foresaw us moving internationally, getting married, having kids, etc.

Today I am reminded of how fragile life is, but more than anything, my desires and dreams are arising again after forgetting to prioritise myself. I lost myself (again) in a person I loved and let my support for their dreams override my own.

I see every break-up, loss, and heartache as a nudge from God as redirection to what is meant for me. Whatever you want to call your belief, it is crucial to have faith. Be that in the universe or your infinite consciousness, this is what grounds you in the conviction that better things are coming for you.

So I thought I had found my partner for life. Not anymore. I thought I could fully trust and love again, which I did, and I will again. Love is too precious for me to stop opening my heart. I will not let this break-up break me into pieces, but break me and reshape me into who I want to be, who I am meant to be.

So, where did it all go wrong? I got used to not speaking about my emotions or how I felt for a while because when I did, I was shut down or silenced. Ironic really, considering I am a passion-led mentor as a yoga teacher, self-help writer, and well-being coach, leading people with love to speak up about their feelings and take space!

Deep within, I knew his behaviour wasn’t aligning with me or correct. I didn't deserve to be treated like this. Deep down, I excused my ex because of the baggage he carried and was actively working on, giving me the hope that this would change, and all would be well. But I realised I was the only one trying, and it became too heavy for me to carry

I stumbled out of my therapist’s office when my ex and I finished our last session together as my therapist told us, “You attract what you are used to.”

Sure, I have heard of this before and resonate with it, but this came to me at the right point: I knew I had attracted my ex in a time of need, rather than during a time when I felt centered. I had been working on myself, but I attracted a partner out of fear—I was afraid to be alone. Now I notice this key part in attracting what was familiar: I was used to being the helper, the fixer in a relationship, but guess what? I learned that is not my duty.

Our relationship reminded me of who I am and built my self-esteem, and for that, I am very grateful for the past three-and-a-half years. Maybe my ex was another stepping stone of who I am meant to be. Maybe God sent him to remind me of my strength, and now I must fly again alone to rediscover and redefine the true me.

But here’s another clincher: my mental health was in shambles. When I experienced a psychotic episode, life was hard. Everything was hard to do. I couldn’t do anything from brushing my teeth to showering.

When I was consumed by a manic episode, my mind took over in the worst way possible, and life started to feel like the heaviest thing to carry.

In 2020, on the brink of the coronavirus, my life fell apart: I went through a break-up, lost my job, my parents broke up, and my mum came to Berlin to move in with me. I tried my best to help heal her while getting my head together online and making a business—all while forgetting to work on my own personal healing.

Of course, it all came crumbling down. I didn’t show myself grace during this race. I was focusing my energy on earning enough money to get by, living my dreams as a yoga teacher, a well-being coach, and new freelance writer. I couldn’t carry everything with me. I guilt-tripped myself that I wasn’t who I was showing up as online.

Grace’s e-book published in 2020

My mind got the better of me, swallowed it up, choked me with pain, and pulled me down to the depths of depression, suicidal thoughts, and a darkness that swallowed me whole, which is something I do not wish anyone to go through and the reason why I am here today.

A short insight into what a psychotic episode feels like is a complete loss of control.

When Jeannie prompted me to talk about the sensory side to this episode, I was taken back to the moment of roaming the streets of Berlin, but I was out of my mind thinking that I was playing this game and had to find a door to freedom. (Yes, this is how insane our mind can turn when we don’t turn to anyone for help.) I had broken from reality.

I was on a mission, and all my senses had switched off. I couldn't hear anyone but my deafening and frightening thoughts, I didn't see people as people but as characters in a film set. Whatever I touched felt distant, as all my senses were dulled—until the moment my dad hugged me. By that point, I had reached the clinic with no feeling at all.

All I can describe it as is a hole. I was in a hole with nothingness.

My dad hugged me so tightly and started crying. I was thin. I had lost a lot of weight from not eating or drinking. I felt like a corpse, in all honesty. But in that moment, I felt a glimmer of hope burst back, like God was saying, “Hey, you forgot, you are loved.” I had only seen my dad cry once before this, when my grandfather had passed away, so this moment sticks with me, and I am gushing tears as I write this now. It changed everything for me.

My dad’s love opened me to love again, to return to reality.

From that day on, I was able to re-light my spark of light and love within. Step by step, I started to believe through the love of all my friends and family, that I am worthy. I am LOVE.

Whatever you are suffering from, do not hold it all in, but hug someone you love. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything or hear anything, but feel something again. The presence of another human who cares really does bring someone back to life, like my dad did for me.