Beautifully articulated Jeannie. Yes, there is a big difference between self-blame and accountability. Easier said than done, I know. But practice helps us get there. ♥️
Your essay has me thinking about blame and wondering if it's ever helpful or serves a purpose. It doesn't matter if we blame others or blame ourselves. Neither is helpful as far as moving forward in a situation. We are all human. We all mess up. So, does blame ever serve a good purpose? I'm thinking, no. As you wrote, it's different from taking responsibility. Blame almost always causes hurt and that's why it's so closely tied to shame.
Lately, I've been blaming different subsets of folks about the outcome of the presidential election. I guess that doesn't help in the here and now either. Blaming is easy. Too easy. Thanks for the thought-provoking read.
I appreciate your perspective, Nancy. You make a good point about how blaming both ourselves and others isn't productive and doesn't help us move forward. I wholeheartedly agree, and I'm glad you can apply that to the outcome of the recent presidential election.
holy wow--I'm not a mother, and this is nevertheless one of the most important things I've read lately. really grateful for your transparency, and *especially* this: "And that’s what I’m realizing that healing is about, which is placing myself at the center of what is real and true. In order to do that, I have to face myself and admit the things I think and feel." My goodness, I'm going to carry this with me.
Wouldn’t it be great if we humans had an autopilot switch so that we could maintain our composure when our child is ranting at us? If we could remain objective and calm a lot of harmful things would never be said or done in the heat of the moment. Give Sarah a big hug from my wife and me!
I think shame and blame go hand in hand. No parent is perfect because if we were, we'd be machines. I have also had not-so-good parenting moments. We all have.
In my daughter's case, she was in an orphanage until she was 13 months old, when I adopted her. I often wonder if she had had real love earlier if she would've turned out to be more secure. Of course, she's a teenager now, so insecurity is the name of the game....
Yes! I have a teenager, too, and it brings up so many of my own childhood wounds when I interact with her. She often blames me for her troubles and woes, which exacerbates my insecurities about whether or not I've been a good (enough) mom to her. Shame and blame - yes. What a great way to put it, Beth. I love your insights!
"Forgiveness, I see, is the window through which love moves me to others. It only closes when I blame myself or someone else, when I end up despising the reality that I'm human and always will be."
This line really struck me. It's a beautiful reminder that forgiveness, both of ourselves and others, is essential for connection and love.
Beautifully articulated Jeannie. Yes, there is a big difference between self-blame and accountability. Easier said than done, I know. But practice helps us get there. ♥️
Practice - yes! And patience, at least for me.
Hi Jeannie,
Your essay has me thinking about blame and wondering if it's ever helpful or serves a purpose. It doesn't matter if we blame others or blame ourselves. Neither is helpful as far as moving forward in a situation. We are all human. We all mess up. So, does blame ever serve a good purpose? I'm thinking, no. As you wrote, it's different from taking responsibility. Blame almost always causes hurt and that's why it's so closely tied to shame.
Lately, I've been blaming different subsets of folks about the outcome of the presidential election. I guess that doesn't help in the here and now either. Blaming is easy. Too easy. Thanks for the thought-provoking read.
I appreciate your perspective, Nancy. You make a good point about how blaming both ourselves and others isn't productive and doesn't help us move forward. I wholeheartedly agree, and I'm glad you can apply that to the outcome of the recent presidential election.
holy wow--I'm not a mother, and this is nevertheless one of the most important things I've read lately. really grateful for your transparency, and *especially* this: "And that’s what I’m realizing that healing is about, which is placing myself at the center of what is real and true. In order to do that, I have to face myself and admit the things I think and feel." My goodness, I'm going to carry this with me.
Hearing that means a lot to me, Sarah!
Wouldn’t it be great if we humans had an autopilot switch so that we could maintain our composure when our child is ranting at us? If we could remain objective and calm a lot of harmful things would never be said or done in the heat of the moment. Give Sarah a big hug from my wife and me!
Will do, Rafael!
Great post, Jeannie.
I think shame and blame go hand in hand. No parent is perfect because if we were, we'd be machines. I have also had not-so-good parenting moments. We all have.
In my daughter's case, she was in an orphanage until she was 13 months old, when I adopted her. I often wonder if she had had real love earlier if she would've turned out to be more secure. Of course, she's a teenager now, so insecurity is the name of the game....
Yes! I have a teenager, too, and it brings up so many of my own childhood wounds when I interact with her. She often blames me for her troubles and woes, which exacerbates my insecurities about whether or not I've been a good (enough) mom to her. Shame and blame - yes. What a great way to put it, Beth. I love your insights!
"Forgiveness, I see, is the window through which love moves me to others. It only closes when I blame myself or someone else, when I end up despising the reality that I'm human and always will be."
This line really struck me. It's a beautiful reminder that forgiveness, both of ourselves and others, is essential for connection and love.
Thank you for this powerful essay, Jeannie.
I always appreciate hearing from you, Alex!