We're a family of musicians and there is a term used in music when the composer wants the performer to slow the tempo down, ritardando AKA rit., or ritard. This is pronounced the same as the "r" word that is verboten in my family and yours
Sheila most have been bullied by someone on this one particular day because she came home and said, "Retard doesn't mean stupid, mooommmm." I struggled not to laugh because, well, it struck my funny bone that she connected that the hurled insult really does mean slow, not stupid. Those hurling this particular word in such a derogatory manner missed their mark with her.
Using words as insults says way more about the individual using them than the person on the receiving end.
Your words in this essay are powerful and meaningful, thank you.
Oh, wow, Nancy, this fascinated me. I have never heard this musical term before, but it makes SO MUCH SENSE that, phonetically, it sounds like the other “r” word that is used as a slur. But like Sheila said, it just means slow, not stupid. I wish we could reclaim the meaning behind some of the words that have become so hurtful to others.
@Kelly Flanagan this is the post I mentioned to you that I wrote (probably a month ago) that was based on Gregory Boyle’s recent book that you recommended to me called Cherished Belonging.
2 thoughts as I read your poem: at least she brought food, and one of the worst platitudes ever! Why do I say, at least she bought food? Slightly selfish response here, because I have been dealing with my husband recovering from a stroke. For 8 months and besides our son, only one person has truly extended herself and lent support. We, thankfully, do not need financial support, but mental, emotional, aor physical - would be nice.
Why don't people extend themselves much or say appropriate things - fear, uncomfortable, they focus on themselves and not on the other person.
Stop saying it will be okay and say, "it must be difficult. Can I do your laundry, grocery shopping or return your library books?"Or ask, "Do you want to talk about it.," and then listen, without judgment or advice.
I could go on. However, I strongly suspect few people reading your posts need this faux tedtalk.
So I truly did feel grateful that she brought us food. We did need that help when Sarah was born, because I was gone all the time with her—for appointments, diagnostic tests, etc. On that level, I did feel grateful.
And yet…
I wondered why I had this strong internal reaction about wanting to punch her in the face after she said this. It made me question all the times I may have said to someone—with good intentions—”Everything happens for a reason” or “Give it to God” or something along those lines.
I realized that what meant more to me personally was someone sitting with me in my raw pain and simply offering their presence as gift. That’s also what I heard when I traveled around the country and spoke/listened to other people’s grief stories.
You’re right—what we need is the moral support. Thanks for stopping by to comment and I want to say I feel for you and your husband in this situation. That sounds really, really hard. Do you have a supportive community? I imagine there is a lot for you both to process emotionally, too.
It's so easy to judge others, make generalizations about whole groups of people, and overlook goodness in others. I'm guilty of doing this too. Why do we gravitate toward doing what's easy?
Everyone is wounded or carrying some burden, and of course, often those things are not visible to others. Invisible scars can be the hardest to heal from, too. Not being seen continues that vicious cycle of pain.
I love the story about the woman who helped you with your groceries. Too bad the folks who made the disparaging comment didn't witness that kindness. But you are sharing that wonderful story, and that is no small thing.
Thank you for the reminder to look for the good in all people. We do all belong to one another indeed. Thank you for another inspiring read.
Nancy, your heartfelt comment means so much to me today. I am also guilty of making rash judgments and generalizations. I try to stop and think more than I used to, though. In the past, I was triggered nearly constantly. My unhealed wounds were vying to be heard, and they often emerged in ways that were hurtful to others.
I think that’s why I try to be more intentional now about the way I see things, and others, and even myself. I stop more often to check my internal reactions, but it’s still a work in progress.
It is good to be here with you. I just want you to know that.
Jeannie, your piece struck a chord deep within me. I, too, find myself intentionally avoiding the noise of the daily news cycle. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s quite the opposite. I care so deeply that the constant barrage of negativity often leaves me feeling drained and helpless. Your description of that “jolt of sadness, followed by confusion and disgust” resonated so strongly. It’s as if we’re wired to absorb the pain of the world, but there’s a limit to how much we can process before it starts to erode our own sense of peace. I’ve found that focusing on the small, everyday acts of kindness—like the woman helping you with your groceries—is where true change begins. It’s in those moments of genuine connection that we remind ourselves of our shared humanity. Your writing is a balm for the soul in a world that often feels chaotic and disconnected.
Alex, I cherish your comments every time I read them. It’s not a popular stance to write about unity in this divisive culture, I’ve found, because nearly everyone wants me to “take sides,” and I can’t. I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my own convictions or values, it just means I know there’s a different way for us to treat each other. But people often get upset with me, saying it’s a cop-out answer.
And I’m telling you this, because your comment gives me strength to continue showing up in this way—as a peacemaker, as a person who genuinely wants to hear and validate the experiences of all people. Your presence alongside me means more than I can say in this short space.
This post is so spot-on. Like you, I've put myself on a news diet. Listening/seeing the news depresses me. And, like you, I hate the word "retarded." It's often used to show hate toward another individual.
I wish people would be kinder to each other and not generalize against any one group. I loved the part where you describe your interaction with that foreign-born woman, and how she helped you with your groceries. There's a lot of good in people, and I think what's tearing them apart are news items that are very divisive.
We are definitely part of the human family, as you say so eloquently. I wish we humans would treat others well. Anyway, that is my hope.
I like the phrase “news diet,” Beth! Yes! There’s so much good in people. We as a society seem to have forgotten that. Thank you always for your thoughtful comments.
It's strange how people differ on what kinds of beliefs they hold in regard to poor behavior. One believes people must "pay for what they did," and another doesn't. The big question is, who gets to be the judge and enforcer? More imperfect people, that's who, not anyone who is above such hurtful behavior themselves! A very dangerous situation. It strikes me that unless there was one perfect person who could be assigned the job of judge, then we should not be judging and punishing. To protect others from a violent person, we may have to use means to prevent that person from committing more crimes, but that doesn't mean killing or "punishing" them. Punishing? Outrageous, pompous, and like I said, dangerous.
I so appreciate your thoughts here, Don. I agree—it is dangerous to assign some as judge, others as enforcers, when we are all flawed humans. I think that’s what helps keep me at eye level with the people I meet. I realize I am not all that different from them, and should my life circumstances have been different—should I have been born a different race, in a different socioeconomic class, to different parents, in a different neighborhood or time in history—I would not be in the position of privilege I have.
You did email me recently, but I've been so busy setting up my Substack account and writing two different posts that I'll be putting up shortly, that I haven't had time to return. My site says "COming SOon" on it so I am hoping potential readers will be patient enough to wait a little more. GOod to be talking with you!
Oh, Linda, thank you so much! That means everything to me. I was just thinking about you recently and thought I had reached out via email to let you know. Anyway, I am letting you know now that I am thinking of you and Alexander and you both have been on my heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting this right in front of me so it didn’t get lost in my inbox. We’re kindred spirits. I resonated with so much of what you had to say, and it was good to hear it in your own voice, Jeannie!
We're a family of musicians and there is a term used in music when the composer wants the performer to slow the tempo down, ritardando AKA rit., or ritard. This is pronounced the same as the "r" word that is verboten in my family and yours
Sheila most have been bullied by someone on this one particular day because she came home and said, "Retard doesn't mean stupid, mooommmm." I struggled not to laugh because, well, it struck my funny bone that she connected that the hurled insult really does mean slow, not stupid. Those hurling this particular word in such a derogatory manner missed their mark with her.
Using words as insults says way more about the individual using them than the person on the receiving end.
Your words in this essay are powerful and meaningful, thank you.
Oh, wow, Nancy, this fascinated me. I have never heard this musical term before, but it makes SO MUCH SENSE that, phonetically, it sounds like the other “r” word that is used as a slur. But like Sheila said, it just means slow, not stupid. I wish we could reclaim the meaning behind some of the words that have become so hurtful to others.
@Kelly Flanagan this is the post I mentioned to you that I wrote (probably a month ago) that was based on Gregory Boyle’s recent book that you recommended to me called Cherished Belonging.
I love this, Jeannie. We do all belong to each other, and we definitely could do a better job of showing it!
Thank you, Nancy. I am glad you feel that way, too. It seems to me this is an unpopular stance in our divisive culture.
2 thoughts as I read your poem: at least she brought food, and one of the worst platitudes ever! Why do I say, at least she bought food? Slightly selfish response here, because I have been dealing with my husband recovering from a stroke. For 8 months and besides our son, only one person has truly extended herself and lent support. We, thankfully, do not need financial support, but mental, emotional, aor physical - would be nice.
Why don't people extend themselves much or say appropriate things - fear, uncomfortable, they focus on themselves and not on the other person.
Stop saying it will be okay and say, "it must be difficult. Can I do your laundry, grocery shopping or return your library books?"Or ask, "Do you want to talk about it.," and then listen, without judgment or advice.
I could go on. However, I strongly suspect few people reading your posts need this faux tedtalk.
Yes, Deanna, yes!
So I truly did feel grateful that she brought us food. We did need that help when Sarah was born, because I was gone all the time with her—for appointments, diagnostic tests, etc. On that level, I did feel grateful.
And yet…
I wondered why I had this strong internal reaction about wanting to punch her in the face after she said this. It made me question all the times I may have said to someone—with good intentions—”Everything happens for a reason” or “Give it to God” or something along those lines.
I realized that what meant more to me personally was someone sitting with me in my raw pain and simply offering their presence as gift. That’s also what I heard when I traveled around the country and spoke/listened to other people’s grief stories.
You’re right—what we need is the moral support. Thanks for stopping by to comment and I want to say I feel for you and your husband in this situation. That sounds really, really hard. Do you have a supportive community? I imagine there is a lot for you both to process emotionally, too.
Hi Jeannie,
It's so easy to judge others, make generalizations about whole groups of people, and overlook goodness in others. I'm guilty of doing this too. Why do we gravitate toward doing what's easy?
Everyone is wounded or carrying some burden, and of course, often those things are not visible to others. Invisible scars can be the hardest to heal from, too. Not being seen continues that vicious cycle of pain.
I love the story about the woman who helped you with your groceries. Too bad the folks who made the disparaging comment didn't witness that kindness. But you are sharing that wonderful story, and that is no small thing.
Thank you for the reminder to look for the good in all people. We do all belong to one another indeed. Thank you for another inspiring read.
Nancy, your heartfelt comment means so much to me today. I am also guilty of making rash judgments and generalizations. I try to stop and think more than I used to, though. In the past, I was triggered nearly constantly. My unhealed wounds were vying to be heard, and they often emerged in ways that were hurtful to others.
I think that’s why I try to be more intentional now about the way I see things, and others, and even myself. I stop more often to check my internal reactions, but it’s still a work in progress.
It is good to be here with you. I just want you to know that.
Jeannie, your piece struck a chord deep within me. I, too, find myself intentionally avoiding the noise of the daily news cycle. It’s not that I don’t care; it’s quite the opposite. I care so deeply that the constant barrage of negativity often leaves me feeling drained and helpless. Your description of that “jolt of sadness, followed by confusion and disgust” resonated so strongly. It’s as if we’re wired to absorb the pain of the world, but there’s a limit to how much we can process before it starts to erode our own sense of peace. I’ve found that focusing on the small, everyday acts of kindness—like the woman helping you with your groceries—is where true change begins. It’s in those moments of genuine connection that we remind ourselves of our shared humanity. Your writing is a balm for the soul in a world that often feels chaotic and disconnected.
Alex, I cherish your comments every time I read them. It’s not a popular stance to write about unity in this divisive culture, I’ve found, because nearly everyone wants me to “take sides,” and I can’t. I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my own convictions or values, it just means I know there’s a different way for us to treat each other. But people often get upset with me, saying it’s a cop-out answer.
And I’m telling you this, because your comment gives me strength to continue showing up in this way—as a peacemaker, as a person who genuinely wants to hear and validate the experiences of all people. Your presence alongside me means more than I can say in this short space.
Hi Jeannie,
This post is so spot-on. Like you, I've put myself on a news diet. Listening/seeing the news depresses me. And, like you, I hate the word "retarded." It's often used to show hate toward another individual.
I wish people would be kinder to each other and not generalize against any one group. I loved the part where you describe your interaction with that foreign-born woman, and how she helped you with your groceries. There's a lot of good in people, and I think what's tearing them apart are news items that are very divisive.
We are definitely part of the human family, as you say so eloquently. I wish we humans would treat others well. Anyway, that is my hope.
I like the phrase “news diet,” Beth! Yes! There’s so much good in people. We as a society seem to have forgotten that. Thank you always for your thoughtful comments.
It's strange how people differ on what kinds of beliefs they hold in regard to poor behavior. One believes people must "pay for what they did," and another doesn't. The big question is, who gets to be the judge and enforcer? More imperfect people, that's who, not anyone who is above such hurtful behavior themselves! A very dangerous situation. It strikes me that unless there was one perfect person who could be assigned the job of judge, then we should not be judging and punishing. To protect others from a violent person, we may have to use means to prevent that person from committing more crimes, but that doesn't mean killing or "punishing" them. Punishing? Outrageous, pompous, and like I said, dangerous.
Thanks for your take, Sarah.
I so appreciate your thoughts here, Don. I agree—it is dangerous to assign some as judge, others as enforcers, when we are all flawed humans. I think that’s what helps keep me at eye level with the people I meet. I realize I am not all that different from them, and should my life circumstances have been different—should I have been born a different race, in a different socioeconomic class, to different parents, in a different neighborhood or time in history—I would not be in the position of privilege I have.
Just shared this on Facebook! A WONDERFUL, MOVING PIECE!
You did email me recently, but I've been so busy setting up my Substack account and writing two different posts that I'll be putting up shortly, that I haven't had time to return. My site says "COming SOon" on it so I am hoping potential readers will be patient enough to wait a little more. GOod to be talking with you!
Great, Linda. I will wait patiently for you. :)
Oh, Linda, thank you so much! That means everything to me. I was just thinking about you recently and thought I had reached out via email to let you know. Anyway, I am letting you know now that I am thinking of you and Alexander and you both have been on my heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting this right in front of me so it didn’t get lost in my inbox. We’re kindred spirits. I resonated with so much of what you had to say, and it was good to hear it in your own voice, Jeannie!
Thanks, Kelly. It seems an unpopular stance these days, though. Glad to be in good company!
Thank you for this....it restored a bit of faith in me.
I’m so glad, William. That’s what I hope for—to restore people’s faith in themselves!